Cabin Fever
by N2
Summary: The Cabin Fic to end all Cabin Fics. Horomones, snow and a creepy buck's head.
1. Get to Know Yourself

I of course, do not own any X-Men Evo characters. If I did the show would no doubt be late-night only. 

If you've never encountered a Cabin Fic before, count yourself among the lucky few. Cabin Fics are stories where two characters are trapped inside some sort of structure and so either a) reveal their deepest secrets to one another or b) have wild monkey-sex. The latter are often called "blanket fics" because the two characters share a blanket in order to stay warm and invariably wind up shagging like hamsters. Both types of fic are usually pointless and involve horrendous OOCness. 

So with that in mind, I present… 

**Cabin Fever**   
Or "Damn, that's one sexin' blanket."   
By N 

The cabin was a simple affair - a one-room log structure with a bare fireplace and two small windows that had been shuttered against the cold. A blanket lay in one corner of the room, watched with glassy vigilance by the buck's head mounted above the fireplace. Of the bed the blanket had been stripped from there was no sign; Wolverine had in fact used it as a toboggan one evening some winters past. The fact that he'd been drunk off his ass at the time had been a deciding factor in the cot's fate. 

The cabin had stood empty for quite some time and probably would have remained so if not for the blizzard. 

- - - 

**Cabin One - Get to Know Yourself**

The door to the cabin banged open, letting in a swirl of snow and two shivering figures. The taller one immediately swept the door shut behind him while the shorter one zipped over to the fireplace. 

"No wood. Figures," Pietro Maximoff snarled through chattering teeth. "Agh, I'm freezing!" 

"Be thankful we found this dump," Lance Alvers replied, sullenly looking around the cabin. "We COULD still be out in the snow." He stared at the buck's head for a minute, then shuddered. Something about it was decidedly creepy… 

Pietro meanwhile had discovered the discarded blanket and had promptly wrapped himself up in it. He peeked out from its folds like an albino sage, still shivering. 

"Lance," he said. "Go outside and find some wood." 

"What? No fuckin' way!" 

"But I'm cold!" 

"Like I ain't?" Lance strode across the room and grabbed the blanket, attempting to pull it away from the other boy. "Gimme." 

"No! Mine! Minemineminemine!" Pietro bitch-slapped Lance rapidly across the face a few times, causing him to let go of the blanket. 

"Ow…" Lance sat on the ground next to Pietro, who was making satisfied humming noises, for a few minutes. At long last a thought crossed his mind. "Ow. Hey, we could SHARE the blanket." 

"No." 

"Aw, come on." 

"No. Mine." 

"It'll be warmer!" Lance whined. "You know… body heat and all that." 

Pietro's eyebrows shot up. "Body heat?" he repeated. 

"Yeah." 

Pietro jabbed a finger into Lance's chest. "You PERVERT! I KNEW you wanted my sweet, sweet ass!" 

Lance blinked. "What?!" 

"Oh, you don't fool me," Pietro scoffed. "That hoary old 'let's generate some body heat, bay-bee' line? Please. No wonder you never get laid. Still, I can't blame you for trying." He ran a hand through his hair and adopted a sultry pout. "God, I'm sexy…" 

Lance stared. "Well," he admitted. "You are kinda cute I guess…" He snuggled closer to the speedster, attempting to be suave and failing spectacularly. 

"I think I just thought of a perfect way to warm up," Pietro said, his voice slightly husky. 

"Yeah?" Lance whispered, leaning closer. 

Pietro shoved him away impatiently. "Yeah. I'm gonna masturbate. Go stand over in that corner for a few minutes, huh?" 

Blink. Blink. Stare. 

Swearing under his breath, Lance went. 

"And no peeking!" 

- - - 


	2. Instant Uke: Just Add Water!

**Cabin Two - Instant Uke: Just Add Water!**

The door to the cabin banged open, letting in a swirl of snow and two tall, grumbling figures. There was a brief struggle at the doorway as both boys tried to enter the cabin first, but finally they both wound up inside and shut the door behind them. 

"This is all YOUR fault, Summers," Lance Alvers growled. "If you'd just accepted that I'm the better skier…" 

"I'm not the one who decided to cheat by avalanching half the mountain in the hopes of knocking me off balance," Scott Summers replied. He walked over to the blanket in the corner and lifted it up, frowning. It looked a little stained. 

Lance meanwhile was staring at the buck's head. "Hey Summers, what do you call it when you think you've been somewhere before?" he asked suddenly. 

"Déjà Vu." 

"Yeah. That." Lance shuddered and looked over at the boy he considered his rival. "So now what do we do? It's freezing in here." 

Scott had absently wrapped the blanket around himself. Immediately after doing so he felt a little… odd. He regarded the other boy for a second, feeling a bizarre and terrible sensation come over him. 

Lance was meanwhile studying the buck's head again. "Wonder if this thing would burn…?" he mused aloud. 

"Alvers," Scott called. He held out one end of the blanket. "If we share this then there's a lower chance of us suffering from hypothermia." 

Lance looked doubtful, but he decided he'd rather not have his extremities blue and dead so he plunked his ass down next to Scott and huddled into the blanket. 

A few moments passed. Lance started to become uncomfortably aware of how warm Scott was, and how kissable his jawline looked… 

Scott shifted, sighing like a 13-year-old girl mooning over a Backstreet Boy poster. He snuggled closer to Lance, who stared down at him dumbly. Cyclops wasn't really acting like himself… maybe he was creeped out by the buck's head too. 

Scott's hand accidentally brushed Lance's upper thigh and Lance, being a hormonally driven dumbass, decided that was enough of a signal for him. He promptly jumped on the other boy and started kissing him enthusiastically and with a marked lack of finesse. 

Scott thudded to the floor and banged his head. Lance expected the leader of the X-Men to punch him in the face for such rough treatment, or at least push him back a bit, so he was completely taken aback by the reaction he got instead: 

Scott Summers started to cry. 

"What the fuck?" Lance exclaimed, sitting up. 

Scott sniveled. "I.. I'm sorry," he whined. He pushed himself shyly against the other boy, who was looking at Scott like he'd grown a second head. Scott trailed his finger in circles on the floor, blushing. "Kiss me again?" he asked. 

Despite the fact that Scott's body seemed to have been possessed by the spirit of a virginal 15-year-old girl, Lance decided to go for it. It was after all, still Scott's body, which was pretty fucking hot in Lance's humble opinion. More saliva-swapping ensued, and soon Lance was groping Scott in a frenzy of lust. 

"Ahh," Scott moaned. "Dame! Ya-yame…" 

Lance stopped. "What the FUCK language are you speaking?!" he asked. 

Scott looked at him bashfully. "Lance," he whispered. "I'm so happy. I… I love you!" 

Lance stared at Scott. Scott smiled, still blushing. Lance stared a little more. 

He then ran screaming from the cabin and into the blizzard. 

- - - 


	3. A Fur Coat

**Cabin Three - A Fur Coat**

The cabin door banged open, letting in a swirl of snow and two snow-dusted figures. The shorter of the pair shook his head to knock the snow off his hair while the other closed the cabin door. 

"It's a good thing we found this place, huh Kurt?" Scott Summers asked as he looked around the cabin. The sight of a discarded blanket in one corner made him shudder for some reason. 

Kurt looked around, the pivoted on his heel to face Scott. "We're in trouble, mein freund," he said sorrowfully. 

"What? Why?" 

Kurt ran a hand through his hair and adopted a sexy male-model pose. "This is a secluded cabin, ja?" 

"Yes." 

"And we are stuck here together, ja? Alone?" 

"Yeeeees…" 

"And I, being the Fuzzy One, have incredible Sexin' Powers, ja?" 

"Uh…" 

Kurt teleported across the room to the blanket and wrapped it around himself. He wriggled out of his clothes and so stood there in ONLY the blanket, one shoulder bared. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Scott," he crooned. 

Scott felt his feet move forward, compelled by the power of the Fuzzy One. "No! Kurt, we're FRIENDS!" 

"Ja, I know." Kurt shrugged. "I don't understand it either, but my Sexin' Powers cannot be denied." Kurt sighed. "It's a real pain sometimes… They seem to attract lots of Mary Sues." 

Scott was no longer listening, having been drawn into the fuzzy elf's Sexin' Sphere of Influence. "Well… " Scott said reluctantly. "It IS cold… Say Kurt, what can you do with that tail?" 

"Vell… THIS." 

"Oh mamma…" 

- - - 


	4. I'll Swallow Your Soul

**Cabin Four - I'll Swallow Your Soul**

The cabin door banged open, letting in a swirl of snow and two very cold, very agitated figures. 

"This is all your fault, Pietro!" Wanda shouted. "A nice snow shoeing trip to bond as family… what BULLSHIT!" 

"Hey, I didn't start the blizzard! Be thankful I found this cabin!" 

"I'm about to increase the probability of you spontaneously combusting, Pietro..." Wanda growled. She looked around the cabin, her eyes fixing on the buck's head over the fireplace. Something about it… 

While his twin was mesmerized by the amazing taxidermy work, Pietro zipped over to the corner and examined a rather crusty looking blanket. "Ew," he muttered. "That looks like-" He was interrupted by the very distinct sound of a shotgun being pumped. Pietro froze, then turned slowly around to find his sister had trained a sawed-off shotgun on him. 

"Wanda…?" he asked cautiously, wondering where the hell she'd gotten the gun. 

"Come get some," Wanda said and fired. 

Pietro avoided the blast. "What are you DOING?!" he screamed. Wanda reloaded, grinning crazily. Pietro decided he was fast, but not suicidal. He ran to the front door and escaped into the blizzard, narrowly avoiding being raped by a tree in the process. 

"Groovy," Wanda said. 

- - - 


	5. Eternal Virgin

**Cabin Five - Eternal Virgin**

The cabin door banged open, letting in a swirl of snow and two figure who were huddling together for warmth. 

"It is like, SO cold!" Kitty Pryde complained through chattering teeth. 

"Yeah. Good thing I found this cabin, huh?" Lance Alvers said, closing the door behind him. A bizarrely familiar buck's head watched him from over the fireplace. It was creepy. 

"If you count walking into the side of it as FINDING it," Kitty remarked. She walked over to the corner and picked up a decidedly unsanitary-looking blanket. "Gross, there's like, stains on this thing. I wonder what from?" 

Lance glanced at the blanket and felt his eyes bug out from his head. He actually had a pretty good idea what those stains were… 

"Uhhh, Kitty, I don't think you should touch that. It's probably uhm, diseased and stuff." 

"But Lance, I'm totally freezing!" Kitty shivered prettily to demonstrate. 

Lance wasn't so slow that he didn't realize this was his chance to play Big Strong Man. "C'mere," he said. Master of romance, oh yeah. 

Kitty trotted over and the two sat together on the floor, cuddling. "This is nice," Kitty sighed. 

"Yeah," Lance agreed, rubbing Kitty's arms gently. After a few minutes of such sweet, platonic affection he decided to make the best of a bad situation. 

"LANCE!" Kitty shrieked. "Don't TOUCH those!" 

"Whaaaaaat?" 

"Lance, we just walked through a blinding snowstorm. I am SO not in the mood." 

"Aw, come ON, Kitty! What's the use of being all alone in the middle of nowhere if we don't you-know, you know?" 

"What? Hel-LO, try thinking with your brain and not your dick." 

Lance snorted. That was downright impossible. 

"Lance, I am totally serious. If you don't stop trying to grab my goodies then I am throwing you out of this cabin." 

"Fine." 

"Good." 

"You touch me, then." 

"WHAT?!" 

"Come on, we can use that blanket so it doesn't get all over you…" 

On that note, Lance was promptly thrown out into the snow. Fate had decided he was just never going to get any. 

- - - 

Wolverine entered the simple log cabin alone, thinking nostalgically of the last time he'd been there. "Man, was I plastered," he muttered to himself. He strolled across the room to the blanket lying in the corner, still thinking of his wild drunken ride down the side of the mountain some winters past. 

Wolverine stopped, noticing the blanket's new crusty texture. 

"You damn kids!" he yelled up at the ceiling. 

- - - 

End. Thankfully. 

Yay for you if you caught the random Evil Dead reference. 


End file.
